Sunday, January 25, 2009

If the Pants Fit...

My husband and I were at the gym recently and as we finished up by doing some stretching, I overheard the conversation of the two guys behind us. Both men were in their fifties, one was rather short and stout with the other being tall and slimy. I tried to block them out since most of the conversation seemed to center around young women who were working out. I could feel myself getting agitated and I tried to ignore them. But then my head decided to turn around and my eyes began giving them the evil glare. My husband was oblivious to all this since he couldn't hear them. I tried to focus on stretching my glutes.

Then tall slimy says, "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?"
Short stout replies, "I don't know."
Tall slimy is yucking it up, so proud of himself he can barely give the punchline, "Oh, about fifty pounds." Both men roar.

I almost have an out of body experience as I turn around to glare stare. I confirm that they are both wearing wedding rings. I am livid. How dare they talk about their wives in such a disrespectful manner? Who do they think they are ~ George Clooney? Brad Pitt? I decide how to best take them on. I must defend married women of the world, women who have sacrificed, gone without, raised children, worked long hours...when I felt my husband tapping my shoulder. "You okay?" he asks, wiping the foam from the corner of my mouth.

"No, not really. Those two sleazebags think they are so funny. I just want to..."
After thirty years of marriage, my husband knows me well and he can tell he had better remove me from the situation at hand, quickly. He walks me to the womens' locker room and asks me what was said. "I'll tell you later," I reply.

I grab my gym bag and head for the showers. Hopefully my blood pressure will settle down. The hot water feels good but I am still disturbed by 'the joke'. I can't stand jokes which are at the expense of other people. I can't stand old married men who think they are some type of stud muffin. They make me gag. I feel a need to put them in their place.

I pull my jeans out of my bag and proceed to put them on, one leg at a time. Hmm...I had better calm down and focus on getting dressed because I seem to have an issue. Both feet are in and I can get these jeans on over my knees but what is going on with my thighs. What the heck? I look at the tag on my jeans and realize I grabbed my 'skinny' jeans. Well, actually since the holidays these might now be classified as my 'very skinny' jeans. Like many women I have a variety of sizes in my closet to keep up with my everchanging waistline. I have pre-baby, postbaby, prePMS, postPMS, perimenopausal, and now the newest size to join the closet...menopausal. It is good to have options.

So there I stood, struggling to get into my jeans in the changing stall. Not a lot of room to move around in so I opted for jumping up and down as I shoved my thighs into place. I marched in place at a rapid pace to stretch the material out. I was now working up a sweat and my face had a rosy glow. Now the tough part - the zipper. My best bet would be to lie down, suck in and zip but there was no room in the stall and there was no way I was going out into the main locker room in front of all those women, many young women, and laying down on a bench. No way. I sat on the little stool, put my feet on the opposite wall of the stall and tried to lay backwards. I sucked in, laid back and whacked my head on the counter. I wanted to kick short stout and tall slimy where it counts.

I wish I had a pair of pliers in my bag. Maybe I should just put my gym clothes back on. Gross. I stand up straight, on tippy toes. I suck in real deep so my belly button hits my spine - LOL - and I pull on the zipper. I yank as hard as I can. I think about those two sleazebags yucking it up and SUCCESS! I am now fully dressed and ready to go. I bend over to pick up my gym bag. Ooohhh... I knelt down to pick up my bag. Bending doesn't appear to be an option at the moment. Denim can be very stiff material. I look in the mirror for a quick final glance and try to ignore the fact that all of the extra skin and body parts have shifted and it appears the stomach fat has been shoved up so high it is squishing out the neck of my sweater. Attractive.

I enter the gym lobby and meet up with my husband.
"You okay? Your face is really red and you're walking funny."
"I am fine. Let's just get out of here," I growl.
"So what did those guys say that upset you?"
"You know, it doesn't really matter. Let's go."


Beverly said...

Ah, Deb. I have to tell you that I am almost on the floor laughing.

Those sleazebags. It is all their fault. All of it!!! ;-)

TSannie said...

That is one of the funniest posts I've ever read. Yup, those guys are sleaze bags, and I love your description of getting on your jeans. Been there, had to do that. Thankfully I was at home and could lie down on my bed. (Came over from Daryl's bit of the blog world.)

Poutalicious said...

Have you ever noticed on the tellie where in every commercial there is a great looking woman with some dorkster? I rant and scream: "that good-lookin' woman would never be seen with a bald pouchy troll like him." I am still laughing!! As if THEY are some kind of prize. Am I picturing them correctly?

We must notify Lane Bryant the fact that you have come up with the perfect sizing strategy for their clothing. Pre-B, Post-B, Pre-PMS, Post-PMS, Pre-Men, Peri-Men and Post-Men. How appropriate!!

I'm still laughing.

Khaled KEM said...

Very well written.
You have a talent no doubts about it. I enjoyed it and i guess it is wrong to talk about women or anyone in such a disrespectful way.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Ah those were the days when I had to struggle to get into jeans. I gave up that game many years ago. At least it gave you a focus to take your mind off the idiots.

Willow said...

Guys like that do the same thing to me. I have learned (the hard way) that since I get dressed in the 'dark' in the mornings to lay out my clothes the night before. I don't have much closet space so I get rid of anything that doesn't fit. Maybe that's a blessing in disguise. :)

Akelamalu said...

Oh Deb if that wasn't so funny it would be tragic! I can so identify with it. :)

Deb said...

Hi Beverly ~ It totally was their fault!

Hi TSannie and Welcome ~ It is so much easier to lie on the bed. I think I might have sprained something :) Thanks for visiting.

Hi Pouty ~ You totally have the picture! And maybe I will contact some clothing designers - it is about time they all got real!

Hi Khaled KEM ~ Welcome and thank you - it is nice to get a male viewpoint, once in a while!

Hi Retired ~ Oh, the games we play. And those men are lucky I lost my focus!

Hi Willow - It is dangerous getting dressed in the dark. I have often worn two different socks and once I went off to work with one black shoe and one navy shoe. Quite a fashion statement!

Hi Ake ~ Keep on laughing! I bet you have a great laugh! :)

Anonymous said...

Hahah! I love it!

pink dogwood said...

omg, this is absolutely hilarious - have been there too - lay down and suck in and zip up, so I can totally relate to that. As for the sleazebags - fuggataboutem :)

Mean Mom said...

Women converse about anything and everything. Some men are more than a little challenged in this area, so we should pity their attempts to converse with one another, rather than feeling frustrated with them. ;0) How about trying some ear plugs, next time.

What a jeans nightmare! Mine keep shrinking in the wash. Really, they do.

aims said...

Oh no - now you've got me started!

Men - all have the same comment about women. We have to be models - no matter what age - to be good enough for them!

Like we would even want most of them in the first place.

GRrrrrrr - what did I tell you.

Now that I think about it - I think I need some chocolate to go with my comment....gotta go....

Marg said...

I love how you get yourself into these unusual circumstances. YOu have a great way of writing it in story form...
My neck was getting hot just reading and I know I would of turned on them.
Next time call me, and the two of us can take them on.

RiverPoet said...

Hahahhahah! Deb, you had me rolling!!! This sounds like something that would happen to me in a moment of indignation of course! Life has a way of humbling us all.

Peace - D

Tilly said...

Womens bodies are fine - they just make the clothes all wrong! Thanks for the smile this morning.

Deb said...

Hi Chapati ~ :)

Hi Pink Dagwood ~ Glad to know that I am not the only one who has to do the blue jean squeeze.

Hi Mean Mom ~ I don't pity them, never have, never will. I like the idea of blaming my washing machine!

Hi Aims ~ Chocolate works for me!

Hi Marg ~ Wish you were here! I do get into situations - without even trying!

Hi RiverPoet ~ I have eaten my share of humblepie!

HI Tilly ~ Glad I could make you smile!

imbeingheldhostage said...

OMGosh you slay me! This was so stinking funny-- sitcom material.

The Muse said...

This post is priceless!

Louise said...

Great story. I won't need to laugh the rest of the day!

The guys were STILL slimy, no matter how your jeans fit!

Linda S. Socha said...

Oh boy can I ever relate to this one!! Hysterical...and I wanted to assisinate those guys I will never see!!

Girl you have lovely talent and thanks for making my day' If any man ever had the first child and the changes that can go with it...the poor second would be waiting in the wings a long time
Hugs. Linda

MyMaracas said...

This is priceless. So funny, and so horribly true to life--both the trolls and the jeans part. Wonderful post!

Lana said...

How painful -- and hilarious!

Congratulations on the birth of your granddarlings! Wishing them a lifetime of health and happiness.

Blessings, Lana

Daryl said...

Truly one of the best posts I have read in a long time .. this morning after stepping off the scale which mercilessly recorded every ounce of the FIVE lbs I have gained eating birthday cake, cookies, candy, wine ... I reached for a pair of pants that are usually loose .. I was lucky they fit ... and I discovered YummiTummi .. it takes all that displaced ... stuff ... and hides it, I dont know where I just know it was worth every penny it cost.

Merci said...

It's 4:10 in the AM and I am wide awake. Don't now how I stumbled to your site but I love it. This one had me laughing. Thanks

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