Who has the handbook?

I need to get back to normal and write about anything besides India. I am even dreaming India and wake up confused about where I am. I trip over furniture in my bedroom when I make a early morning trip to the toilet because I am disoriented. I want to feel normal, whatever that might be.

I feel unsettled since returning and I can't figure out why I feel this way. I feel angry - and yes, I do know why. One of the first emails I read upon returning to the USA was from my husband's sister, Margo. Her husband was diagnosed on Valentine's Day with pancreatic cancer with spots on his liver. Their life has been turned upside down - just like that. They had just been on a vacation less than a month earlier to the Yucatan. You never know what tomorrow holds.

The list of people I know who have been directly affected with cancer continues to grow. I pray. I get angry. I try to understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't want to read the book by that title. I know life isn't fair. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

I know all the quotes about living each day to the fullest - and I truly try to do that but...some days it just doesn't help. I ran on the treadmill for two miles today, thinking it would help. Nope. I read some inspirational reading material hoping to be inspired. Nope. I have tried talking to anyone who will listen to get a handle on life. Thanks for listening. I have cried. Crying can cleanse the soul. Guess I need to shed more tears.

I am wondering if I came into this world with a manual explaining life to me. Did I misplace it? So many people seem to have their brains on straight and they understand life. How come I feel so confused? I need to keep on searching for the answers - I wish I had that manual.